Support Raises OnlyTzaras.com from the Dead
SOMEWHERE, OVER THE RAINBOW -
Rosh Chodesh Adar, 5766
- When Purim was over and all their ideas were spent, the designers of
OnlyTzaras.com faced a tough dilemma. Should they rebuild their site or
get some lives?
Thousands of years of programming, blood, toil, tears, and sweat had
resulted in a website more infamous than anyone could have suspected.
It was home to over 89,000,000 digital photo galleries of unspeakable
horrors ranging from deaths to weddings, from yeridahs to the real
devastating tzaras. It was also the destination for over 0 registered
users (and way many more unregistered), who combined to view over 5
million pages monthly. E-mails from as far away as Antarctica,
Micronesia, Congo-Brazzaville and Tierra del Fuego deluged the team
demanding they abandon this endeavor.
Certainly the problem was most difficult for Q, the team's technical
and military genius. His hours of hourly site maintenance are usually
attempted during the hours that common folk are usually fast asleep.
His early morning tasks regularly involve performance testing, laughing
at the idiots who tried to register, and maxxing out their credit
cards. His uncle’s nephew’s cousin also known as
brother, L uses his evening bowling time to select and photoshop cover
photos for the day's new uploads. "Those eons could have been put to
other use such as earning a living, or flying a Cessna," Q explained,
"but L felt he had an compulsion to make the population miserable."
"When I read the e-mails of discouragement and contemplated the people
who really look to us to ruin their day," says L as his fingers type
furiously and he stares into seventy two adjacent computer monitors, "I
remembered how much reward there is for this type of work, absolutely
none at all. " One of the many millions of e-mails from passionate
viewers reads, "Fluffy you, You Fluffy People. Come anywhere near
Fluffing Topeka, Kansas and I’ll rip out all your
bones and also those of your Furry Fluffy Dogs." "I never liked Kansas
much anyway," L comments.
And so, by popular demand, OnlyTzaras.com was reborn this month, thanks
to the tireless efforts of L, C, Q and all the rest of the letters in
the alphabet, heartened by the tremendous outrage from the galactic
Jewish community. "I'm overly confident that over the next few days our
users will resend their grievances, sorrows, death threats, cherem
notices, and attempt to re-register," says some other guy, "that's just
the kind of fanaticism we inspire." Adds someone else, "The site has
been an evil scientific experiment since the beginning. From the moment
we killed it, I knew we had no choice but to raise it from the dead. We
still have illustrious plans for the site's future. But for now we may
just need to send a certain editorial writer to sleep with the fishes."